I know, I know… this sound like every article ever written in Men’s Health magazine. I got your attention, though, didn’t I? Seriously, we live in an age of porn-education. Most of us never received quality sex education that included biology, anatomy, physiology, and oh yeah, PLEASURE. We fumble our way through adolescence (literally) and then somehow feel like we are just supposed to magically know how to have good sex. Pleasure doesn’t just happen. It takes communication, vulnerability and some good, old-fashioned trial and error!
Let’s get on with it:
Our most powerful sex organ is between our ears…not our legs
This is important. You can do all sort of rubbing, kissing, massaging, etc., but if your partner is in another world mentally, nothing is going to happen. “When it comes to women and sex, how we feel about ourselves, our lives, our partners and our relationships typically has more to do with whether we feel like having sex,” (Kingsberg). Help her wind down from a stressful day incrementally. It would be unrealistic for men to expect that their partner will walk in from a long work day, rip off their clothes and be ready to go. Ask her about her day. Offer a foot massage. Watch the kids while she goes and gets a bath. Anything to help decrease her stress level and increase her connection to her own body. Additionally, if you can find a way to stimulate her brain, the body will follow. Meaning? Excite us. Tease us. Make us anticipate what you may do next.
We need to feel connected before we have sex
Generally, men need sex in order to feel connected and women need to feel connected in order to have sex. So, we are mismatched from the get-go! If you have been bickering all day, or she has been busy doing things around the house while you are watching football, or you both have been working so much and haven’t really gotten a chance to check in with one another, you can probably assume she is not going to be in the mood. Take the time to be present with her. Stop and look at her when you are talking, ask her to do the same. Ask specific questions and (this is the most important part) listen to her response. If she feels like you are attuned to her, you care about her and what is going on with life, she will feel more connected. When connection increases so does the likelihood for sex.
Having an orgasm isn’t always easy, or necessary
I’ve said it before and I will keep saying it: sex is all about context. Having an orgasm means that all of the turn-offs have to be turned off and all of the turn-ons have to be turned on. The to-do list has to take a back seat and the focus has to be on pleasure. Sometimes this isn’t going to happen. But all is not lost. Women have a wonderful capacity to be able to enjoy the pleasure of sex without the end goal being orgasm. Touching and skin-to-skin contact is a stress reliever, so it feels good just to be near you.